Marriage Material
(this cover is a placeholder cobbled together from AI images… still working on cover concepts)
This is the message that inspired this book, it was written to help a friend of mine who was on the rocks with a serious girlfriend, and asked me for some advice:
I know almost no details. I have two things to toss out as a married guy for a few years now… take them or leave them.
As I do not know the situation I reserve full rights to “take backsies”… I could be wrong… and I’m ok with that… I’ll take it back in a heartbeat if I am.
As someone who has gone through what was arguably one of the worst engagements of all time (that actually ended in a marriage), I know a couple things about relationship turmoil. As a side note to that… you have no idea how nice it is to have a family of in-laws who adore you until you don’t have that anymore.
The first thing is, in general, you almost never say what you mean the first time you say it, even if you think you do. The part of the human brain responsible for ALL decision making has no logical reasoning centers, and NO CAPACITY FOR LANGUAGE… that means we have to reason out our decisions after we make them, and we almost always get that wrong the first time, especially when emotions are high. This is the reason why culturally we do big weddings… we stand up in front of everyone we’ve ever met or thought about meeting, and we say “I’m not running… I’m in this.”
The reason for this is so that when either of you say things that are ill formed, hurtful, poorly thought through, and down right moronic you know the other person is not going anywhere. They can’t go anywhere without huge social consequences, so you talk, you work it out, and solve the problem rather than sitting on it. You know you have the right to be wrong for a while until you can figure out what’s right.
I don’t know what happened, but I know this… you were both wrong… you always are… I always am… even when I’m right… I’m usually wrong too. Meaning I can have the perfect solution, BUT:
If I don’t involve my wife in the creation of it, I’m wrong…
(I want a partner not a pet)
If I don’t effectively communicate my feelings on the matter, I’m wrong…
(Can’t expect them to play the game without all the pieces)
If I communicate a perfect plan poorly, I’m wrong…
(What good is a perfect map that no one can read)
If I am furious, and right, I’m wrong…
(Hurt feelings need to be vented, but I rarely get that right while I’m furious)
The list goes on…
There’s about a million and one ways that you can be wrong, and that is ok… it’s actually a really good thing. Be wrong, and let your partner be wrong… give them that grace… I’ll state again that you have to be wrong for a while before you can be right. You can always be less wrong than your partner, but being “right” is often a poor comfort for single people and the miserably married.
I don’t say this to try to get you two to make up… marriages are hard… I married the perfect woman, and marriage is still hard. You seem great, and I know she is great, but marriage is still HARD!!! These are issues you both will find no matter who you pick. They are hard issues to work through… but good issues to have. Contention like this is healthy…. If the relationship survives it. If you’re going to make any relationship work, you need to be comfortable being wrong until you can be right, and give your partner the grace to do the same. That’s some hard shiz, and I get not wanting to do that… it’s intensely vulnerable, and it sucks sometimes, but it is a prerequisite.
If you decide that the relationship is worth the growing pains of becoming a husband quality man, and helping her become a wife quality woman, I support you… if you don’t, I wish you the best, and I hope you do get there eventually…. It sucks at first, but nothing will ever make you happier.
